If a relationship that promotes and encourages our emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth is healthy, then one that engenders conflict, distrust, and fear, must surely be unhealthy. It is unhealthy precisely because the openness, security, and safety that is crucial in order for us to grow and flourish does not exist. Instead we live in a state of constant worry, anger, and turmoil that preoccupies our attention and focuses it into protecting ourselves from further harm.
There are numerous reasons for conflict in relationships. But when conflict does arise, the essential operating dynamic which seems to appear over and over agan manifests as an almost complete failure of either of the partners to take the time to try and understand the other’s actual problem or complaint. Instead, there is typically an immediate defensive position which arises as the partner who is hearing the complaint demonstrates through various means, why the partner with the presenting problem is wrong. In return, the complaining partner escalates their effort to prove why they are right by demonstrating why their defensive partner is wrong, and on it goes into battle with predictable outcomes such as frustrated withdrawal, or aggression.
This failure to understand the other person’s experiences and instead, to demonstrate in one way or another that our position is the right one is remarkable in it’s consistency and predictability. It sounds like such a simple request that we should to listen to our partner’s issues and take the time to honestly and sincerely understand what the source of their difficulty is about. But we just cannot seem to stop protecting ourselves when we feel the other is unhappy with us, or attacking when we are unhappy with the other.
Perhaps you think this doesn’t sound like you. If it really doesn’t, and you truly have developed a kinder and more respectful way of being together then this is a non-issue (I am not referring to simply deciding never to discuss difficult issues because that is not healthy either). But take a look next time conflict arises in your relationship, or someone else’s, and this particular communication failure will almost certainly be there. Somehow, if we are truly interested in learning how to have a loving relationship, we need to learn how to create a solid foundation of trust and safety before we can even begin to learn how to nurture that relationship. Without that foundation, nothing can grow.