Trust versus mistrust. Perhaps this capacity is the greatest factor in determining whether someone can truly enjoy their life and love, or whether they spend it in survival mode constantly anxious and fearful. Almost assuredly if we are to be happy we have to be able to trust others and trust ourselves. This article considers this distinction in more detail.
One of the frequent complaints I hear from patients in my practice concerns their difficulty trusting people. When this issue arises my first question is directed to myself; at the possibility that this person is referring indirectly to something I might be saying or doing that I might be unaware of which may be triggering this issue at this time.
If I can satisfy myself that I am not operating in any particularly untrustworthy way, I then ask the patient if perhaps they feel there is something amiss between us and if so, would they be willing to identify and explore this so that we have an opportunity to work this out until hopefully, it is resolved.
Often the trust issue being identified refers directly to a relationship that the person has been or is currently involved with; one in which they have been hurt or betrayed. Sometimes, however, the complaint being expressed references the experience of that person as being unable to generally trust what people are saying or to have doubts or concerns about the motivations or intentions of others in normal social relationships. By this I mean the types of daily relationships familiar to most people; ones which quite properly utilize learned social protocols or common rules of engagement to in effect ensure that we all just get along.
I think it is fair to say that to function in our complicated world, most people indeed tend to present a face to others that often hides what is going on underneath. Such are the “masks” people wear or the “games people play”. While for some it is indeed simply part of being human in a complex world, others actually are harmfully manipulative and deceptive, and depending on a whole host of factors, can indeed be dangerous.
For the most part, as long as the behaviour of the other is not threatening to me, my own experience of people hiding behind masks is not one of alarm, but rather a begrudging acceptance that this is what we do. Maybe it is because of many years of working as a therapist that I feel fairly confident in knowing what is going on between myself and another, and knowing how to navigate that space. Usually, I am willing to play along, sometimes I am not.
For others, however, trying to make sense of the varying roles adopted by others seems confusing and overwhelming, generating such discomfort in the person that they cope by either withdrawing or becoming confronting and challenging with the other who is seen as being deceptive and false.
What I wonder about when I hear these types of concerns is whether these hypersensitive individuals developed those fear responses from their experiences early in life; that people they should have been able to trust were not actually trustworthy. Did they find, perhaps in their family of origin, that parents said one thing but did another? Was it because the child was made the scapegoat for the parent’s frustrations with each other, or might there even have been emotional, psychological or sexual abuse involved in the name of love? Even if the parents were fairly straightforward and reliable, what about teachers, family relatives, clergy, or others in authority positions that may have betrayed trust?
The complaints of these patients have profound implications for their day-to-day interactions with others and in terms of their own self.
Obviously, if one does not and can not feel sure about another, about their motivations or intentions, it is impossible to relax. Always the doubts are swirling and questions being raised – “What does he mean by that”?, “What does she want from me”? and so on.
There is no room for trust, and a limited or distorted ability to experience or give pleasure in being with someone.
As for the person themselves, the constant inability to relax means a chronically heightened level of stress and anxiety creating a wear on their entire being. There is overuse and draining of their energy, physically, emotionally, and psychologically, with it all being funnelled towards one particular goal of trying to read between the lines and assess if they are safe or not, and if not, where and how to hide.
From this place of fear and doubt, there is little we can learn from others that is positive and helpful. The world is not a place to open up into, but rather to hide from. Most importantly, when our psychic energies are primarily and singularly directed towards checking the motivations of others there is little energy available to be directed towards our own psychological growth and development. It can become a failure to thrive.
Across time it means the separation between our chronological age and psychological age widens disproportionately – we get older but no wiser. In effect, we become increasingly immature.
As I have presented in other articles, this failure to grow is a primary source of suffering, often reflected in depression, anxiety, and relationship conflict. It is a very unfortunate price to pay due to the sins of others, and it is a horrible and sad way to waste a life.